Whip or carrot?

On a scale from 1 to 10, how self-disciplined are you? How good are you at motivating yourself? Only doing the fun stuff? Procrastinating the not-so-fun-stuff until you’re under so much pressure that you absolutely have to do it? Don’t worry, you’re not alone and what’s more important – it’s not your fault.

I remember when I was a kid I would play with a piece of paper or a key ring for hours. Or I would explore the sounds of a piano or a guitar, delighting in every new shade and texture I discovered. Can you remember going on these learning adventures all by yourself? Did anybody force you to do these things? Did you have trouble focusing? No? That’s because you weren’t broken yet. That’s right, broken.  You were still an independent creature, self-directed, happy to be alone. But x years of schooling and mass advertising ensured that you are now very much dependent on other people. For almost everything. Unless you are one of those lucky ones who managed to stay their unpredictable selves despite society’s untiring efforts to turn you into a mini clone whose wants and desires are comfortably predictable. I know I sound like one of those “the good old days” people (“Technology is the downfall of our civilization!”), but think about it: What do you want in life? A good job, right? Recognition from other people? Success, money? And what do you want to do with the money? Buy a nice car? Clothes? A house? And you also want to be good-looking, skinny, popular, don’t you? After all that’s what high school was all about! Now how many of these things were on your mind when you examined dirt or a stranded earthworm as a child? Exactly.

Now some of you might say: “Well, that doesn’t mean anything, it’s normal that your priorities shift over time, you can’t be examining earthworms all your life!” Why not? Some biologists do! And I bet you that they have more fun than all those people that study accounting or get a sales job just because it pays well (yes, there will be the odd exception, but that’s beside the point)!

I used to be a very good student, what bothered me, though, was that most of the time I had no idea why I learned what I learned. Because somebody else had decided that I should study linear equations or the citric acid cycle (baaaad memories!). My salvation from utter boredom and frustration was this: I had discovered at an early age (and my parents’ encouragement as well as constant assurances that I could master anything I set my mind to helped a lot!) that I enjoyed being good at things, content-free, meaning – no matter at what. Of course I also had specific predilections and I indulged in those in my free time, but school didn’t completely **** me up because of my ambition.

The problem is that I still got broken in some major way: When I am supposed to do something that I don’t particularly enjoy, I am dependent on external motivation because that’s what I learned: The teacher told me to do something and I knew I had to (for some vague, but urgent reason) so I pulled my natural competitiveness out of the hat and did it. What I realize only now is that the economy depends on us being dependent. How else would gyms (can’t work out without someone telling you what to do), therapists or life coaches (can’t solve your own problems, haven’t learned how to communicate properly), fashion magazines (can’t develop your own style), the fast food and frozen food industries (can’t cook, don’t have time to research and think about healthy nutrition) as well as the entertainment industry (have forgotten how to entertain yourself) survive? Not to mention professional organizers (yes, they exist, I couldn’t believe it myself)? We are told that only experts know what to do and there are experts for everything. Even though as children we were experts at everything: expert athletes (climbing trees, running, biking, swimming...), expert artists (drawing, singing, telling stories), expert entertainers (inventing games and jokes, writing and directing our own theatre plays, making up funny dances – I apologize for the girlyness of some of these activities, but I’m sure you boys know what I meanJ), expert scientists (examining rocks and bugs, building rockets and taking apart our alarm clocks) and expert cooks (master bakers of sand cake, mud soup chefs and “garden” salad inventors). This list could be continued endlessly.

I firmly believe that we can still be all that and more, we just have to get our independence back. So go get it, tiger!

Learning the easy way

I am writing this blog post in the Wyndham Cabo San Lucas Resort, Mexico. I have come here for my trainer’s training, to learn how to teach hypnotically. No, it’s not about turning my audiences into a crowd of submissive zombies – just to clarify. It’s actually the opposite: it’s about turning them into fast and effortless learners. Although the term “turning into” is a bit misleading. Because we all are fast and effortless learners. Naturally. And this is no you-can-do-whatever-you-want pep talk. (Although you can. But more about that later.) It’s just that I’ve come to realize that no matter what we do, even when we’re sleeping, the brain is always learning. Even if you have no intention whatsoever of doing so.

Let’s say you start a new job. The first couple of weeks feel pretty overwhelming because there’s so much new stuff to learn: You have to remember 20 or so new names (and faces), learn how to do your new job and where to go for what. While most of you would make a conscious effort to excel at the former there is a lot of extra information your brain picks up in passing. For example that you shouldn’t talk to Bill in the morning or that Nancy needs her Starbucks xy latte four times a day or she gets grumpy. Now why is your brain taking in and storing this information if all you consciously focus on is the above mentioned tasks? Because it is programmed to do so. Think back to a time when our species was still mainly driven by instincts. What does that translate to on a neuronal level? That the brain is learning without the “I” making any conscious effort. Because its survival depends on it: We have to learn fast, even automatically so that we don’t die. That’s why people develop phobias – the brain learns “snakes/spiders/needles want to harm me” and installs an automatic fear response so that we don’t even have to think about running away, our legs just start moving as soon as we pick up the first sign of danger. The same applies to the new job situation: We are social animals which makes us extremely sensitive to social information. We read body language, voice tone and facial expressions effortlessly and automatically react to the signals we receive. The interesting thing is that you would actually do a much better job of becoming the next “employee of the month” (if that is your goal that is) if you handed over the reins completely to your unconscious mind, not only when it comes to interpreting other people’s kinks. Why? Because it’s much more efficient than the part of ourselves we call consciousness. At least in the beginning.

One of the first things our trainer Igor Ledochowski told us was: All learning happens unconsciously first. So why aren’t we all geniuses? Because our conscious mind screws it up. By having certain expectations, wanting specific results, excluding interpretations and conclusions that don’t fit our model. That’s why babies are such great learners: they just do it. The trouble begins when we learn how to judge. Babies and toddlers don’t try to be good at something (like crawling) because they don’t know (yet) what good means. They just do it because it’s fun and because their brains want to learn.

Let’s go back to the new job: What if I told you that you would pick up and integrate all the new information much faster if you didn’t allow your conscious mind to interfere thereby taking up lots of brain power? If you didn’t hamper the learning process by putting pressure on yourself and - what’s more important – by trying to understand everything on a rational (aka accessible) level right away? If you just trusted in your ability to learn how to handle your new responsibilities competently faster provided you gave yourself the necessary time and space? Maybe you should try it. Your conscious mind will take back control soon enough, don’t worry. 

Are you conscious?

The other night I was washing dishes and decided to also give my mind something to do by listening to an audiobook by Ayn Rand titled “The Virtue of Selfishness” in which she describes the ethical implications of her philosophy “objectivism”. She divides people into two categories: those who are unconscious and copy other people’s life models and those who are conscious and actually take responsibility for their lives. According to Rand what makes us human is our ability to disregard our instincts, i.e. our will to survive (cats can’t choose to commit suicide). However, this capacity comes with the responsibility to use our rational minds because our instincts actually don’t tell us what to do. For example a cat’s instinct is to kill mice and birds, even if it’s not hungry, whereas our instincts only tell us that we should get food, but not how to get it. We have to use our brains in order to figure out how to fill our stomachs which led from a hunter-gatherer lifestyle to a sedentary one (more reliable food source, at least in the long run).

Nowadays getting food usually isn’t the most challenging task, at least not in the Western world. Already as children we know that we have to go to the grocery store in order to get stuff for breakfast, lunch or dinner, we are born with a roof over our heads and nobody asks us if we want to go to school or not. To summarize, we don’t have an awful lot of choice when it comes to fulfilling our basic needs as other people (parents, teachers, governments) make most of the decisions for us – until we leave the nest. So far so unconscious. And what happens next? When I ask people why they do things like studying to be a teacher or dating their ex again or eating fast food the answer is often something along the lines of “I don’t know, it’s safe/ comfortable/ my parents/friends think it’s a good idea/ it’s what I’ve always done”. Can you hear the quarter life crisis bells ringing?

Research has shown that we make up our identity as we go along. That includes coming up with rational explanations for our not at all rational decisions. The more time, energy and effort we have invested in something, the more we try to justify having taken that specific course in life. The result: we build our own mental prisons. Let’s say you’ve been dating this guy or girl for a few years already and something doesn’t feel right, yet there’s no way for you to consider a break-up or even just a break: “After all this time? Are you crazy?” It’s better to stick it out, right? And your mind thankfully supports the whole sham by skilfully creating better and better explanations for why you do what you do. Some part of you obviously thinks it’s less painful (or uncomfortable) to keep up the status quo than to admit that maybe this hasn’t been the best choice of your life. And the more you play along the stronger you make this part and thereby the belief: I don’t care about myself enough to look for alternative options. And this applies to any repetitive behaviour (also called habit) that you might have developed, i.e. making promises to yourself and breaking them. To quote my friend Paul Harrison:  “In the current times, people are training their unconscious minds with patterns that work against them instead of for them.” (Read more about how not to do that, but instead go after and achieve your goals in his blog post “The Will and the Word”:http://paul-cr-harrison.blogspot.com/2011/06/will-and-word-part-1-or-how-to-manifest.html) That’s why people stay in abusive relationships or keep jobs they hate, although they know it’s bad for them: Anything familiar is better than the unknown. Now you might ask yourself: Why is my mind doing this, what purpose does it serve? (Be sure there is one, there always is.) The answer is: It learns through repetition. The goal is to foresee the future because the better you are at predicting it the better are your chances of survival.

In order to be conscious you need to make sure that your choices are really your choices. How do you know? It’s easy – just ask yourself “why did I do this or that?”. If your mind immediately spews out an elaborate explanation brimming with rational reasons you should have a closer look. If it just reacts with a warm and fuzzy feeling in your stomach and the short sentence “It felt right”, you’re on track.

Talking ‘bout a Revolution

Have you written any To Do lists lately? Or planned your next business venture/holiday/shopping trip? Structured your day? Role-played the next “serious conversation” with your partner/spouse in your head or in front of the mirror? All of the above? And ended up doing nothing or changing it so much that your original plan seemed to belong to an entirely different person or life? Congratulations – you’re a “who needs real action when there’s planning to do!” junkie! But don’t worry, you are not alone. We are secretive, but we are everywhere.

If you don’t believe me just drop by the nearest book store, will you? And then find the business section, or the self-help shelf, books on fitness, language courses – anything really (apart from fiction). Or google it if you’re too lazy to leave your couch. Just type in something along the lines of “the secret to planning”. Or better yet, just “planning”. 3 BILLION entries. Do I have to say more?

We’re a generation of planners. I can see the evolutionary benefit that led to the survival of this skill (from hunting to planting seeds and subsequently harvesting enough food for a whole winter instead of just one dinner was a pretty big step), but it seems to have become rampant. People can’t even use the washroom without planning their “loo breaks” any more, it seems. Toddlers need blackberries in order to keep track of their various appointments and ongoing projects. OK, that might be a bit exaggerated, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they invented the “iphone for kids” very soon. They seem to have the most money anyway.

Yes, modern life demands a lot from us, a lot of multitasking and scheduling and organizing because we’re oh so mobile and flexible and specialized while at the same time DIY and BYOB and “be your own boss”. And it’s great to have so many opportunities that our parents couldn’t even dream of, but lately I’m thinking more and more that it comes with a heavy cost: the loss of action. In the good old times (I mean pre-cell phone times in this case) if you wanted to see a friend or arrange some kind of meeting you did it with one quick phone call or a 2-minute face to face chat. Done, no need to think about it till the actual day of the meeting. Today the phrase “I’ll have to reschedule” seems to have outstripped “I love you” in terms of frequency of usage, if not popularity by far. Alarming, don’t you think?

Again, if you don’t believe me, I’ll prove it to you, just follow this simple instruction: During the next two weeks, make a note whenever you plan to do something – whether it’s buying light bulbs or taking an old friend you haven’t seen in ages out for coffee – but fail to actually do it. And then count these “not done”s.

There’s nothing wrong with thinking ahead and trying to figure out the best way to do something, even writing down a list of steps or sub-goals. What we have to understand, though, is that planning doesn’t magically expand time or give us twice the amount of energy. It helps, but the learning and what’s even more important the fulfillment, joy and success of our lives are in the doing.

For a lot of people (including me) planning often times is a means of avoiding something unpleasant or unknown. Instead of just jumping in and doing it I spend hours (sometimes days) analysing all the possible outcomes and planning my reactions. Just because we humans have been given the gift of anticipation doesn’t mean we should use it all the time. So if you want to meet your high school friend for a drink don’t let bad weather or that urgent email you suddenly remember you have to write thwart your plans. And if you want to be the next political leader don’t waste time talking ‘bout a revolution – be one.

The difference between knowledge and wisdom

I flatter myself that I know quite a lot of things – I speak several languages, have a Master’s degree in psychology and am a rather avid reader. (I also play guitar and sing, but somehow this doesn’t seem to fit into the category of knowledge... If I remember correctly it belongs to the procedural memory, that’s stuff like tying your shoe lace or riding a bike: pretty much automatic activities that is.) Surely there must be a fair bit of facts and figures stored away in that big storehouse of mine – my brain. But I also know that I have forgotten a lot of things. For example how exactly a PET scan works (which I studied in university) or how to fix a flat bike tire (something I was taught in grade 3. Although – that might also have had to do with my ridiculous unhandyness). And innumerable other things. Which is sad, right? I mean I spent so much time studying for exams and countless hours reading and memorizing, but most of it seems to have been retained for only a short amount of time. And I’m asking myself why that is. Maybe the sheer amount of information we’re trying to cram into our heads is just too much for our intellectual capacity? My dad told me that his dad’s “intellectual fodder” consisted of only a few books, six maybe, timeless classics, and that he would read them over and over again throughout his lifetime and gain something new and valuable from them with every rereading. Surely he basically knew them by heart after the umpteenth time through, no danger of forgetting the names of the main characters or the lessons learned with so much repetition.

I am still reading “Evolve your mind” (as always I have started dozens of books over the past months and weeks so that it takes me forever to finish one – a really bad strategy when it comes to staying motivated by the way) and just finished the section on learning. Now learning and its counterpart teaching happen to be particular interests of mine. I’m sure every single one of you can remember his or her teachers from high school that actually managed to implant something permanent into your brain cells and the ones that – excuse my French – absolutely sucked at that. I’m talking about the ones that made you fall asleep after five minutes of class. The difference according to Joe Dispenza, the author of “Evolve your mind”, lies in the quality of the experience. In other words: When we experience emotions in a situation it is much more likely that it will leave an imprint on our brain structure because new synaptic connections are being formed. The fascinating thing about us humans (apart from having invented ice-cream and Friends) is that we integrate new knowledge by building on top of what is already there, kind of like adding a new storey to a house. So when we manage to perceive a connection to what we already know (and this doesn’t have to be a conscious process!) it is much more likely to stick. That’s why analogies and metaphors are so great because they show you these connections in a playful and yet superefficient way.

In olden times the young were taught mainly by the arts: songs, stories and paintings were used to drive home the lessons that were important to the respective society. Because they were made up of familiar elements (for example a young hero the listener/spectator could identify with) and spoke to them emotionally (how many of you are being transported to a very specific time and place just by hearing a song from your past?) they worked. And were fun at the same time! Unfortunately teachers forgot about this magical trick over time and nowadays to my great regret and dissatisfaction a vivid imagination is not among the prerequisites for being admitted to teachers’ college.

Now some of you might ask: What does all of this have to do with the difference between knowledge and wisdom? The answer is: everything. Just close your eyes for a moment and remember some of the lessons you’ve learned in life – from “don’t go down stairs on roller blades if you like your bones whole” to “you reap what you sow” (a fucking awesome metaphor – doesn’t everybody know exactly what it means even if you can’t explain it? That’s great teaching!) – and then remember how you learned them. Did you read them in a text book? No, you experienced them first-hand. And that’s the difference between knowledge and wisdom. Your guts will know. Trust me.

Show, don't tell

Two days ago I discovered a magical pill. It doesn’t actually possess any magical properties, but it sure felt like that to me. I had been tired and irritable for the past couple of weeks, felt fatigued after a mere 20 minutes of cognitive activity and had gradually “earlified” (yes, I invented that word in lack of a real one that conveys the same meaning) my bedtime from midnight to 9 pm. I had always considered myself a fairly intelligent and self-disciplined person – clearly something was off.

Having recently made some dietary changes the idea popped into my head that I might be suffering from a vitamin deficiency. (The fact that it took me several weeks to come up with this ingenious deduction is in itself proof of its content.) So I went down to the drugstore and got myself some vitamins. Half an hour later I felt sharp as a razor blade – focused, energetic and well-balanced. (Aren’t these your associations with razor blades? No? Too bad.) I couldn’t believe it: Really? This was all that had been missing, a small yellow pill stuffed with vitamin B? I am convinced that it has increased my IQ at least by 20 points – so which score is the “real me”? None. Or rather – both. Because everything depends on the state you’re in. And this means your physical AND emotional state, which of course are interrelated and feed off of each other. What if people always were in an optimal state? If their hormone and vitamin levels were balanced, their bodies well-exercised, their sleep and eating habits healthy and their emotional and relationship issues dealt with immediately and effectively? Surely they would be more efficient, happier, even more intelligent? So why don’t they teach us that at school? Governments are always bitching about losing money because people don’t take care of themselves properly. (Of course politicians don’t say this openly because they don’t want to alienate voters, but that’s what they mean.) They have to invest in rehab facilities and special clinics, in pensions for burnt-out early-retired men and women, in costly community programs that teach middle-aged citizens about nutrition and exercise because their overweight causes all kinds of negative consequences (and by that I mean detrimental effects on the economy because that’s what governments are mainly interested in).

In theory most of us know that a balanced diet, regular exercise, the processing of emotions instead of their suppression (greetings from Freud), direct and clear communication with others, enough sleep etc. are “what we should do”. But theoretical knowledge unfortunately isn’t very convincing. Or motivating. Here too the golden rule every creative writing course will teach you applies: Show, don’t tell. If there was some kind of magical machine that could put people in specific states just to show them what they feel like it would be much more effective than telling them what they would feel like. Take smoking for example: If a teenager could actually feel the effects of a long term smoking habit (cough, shortness of breath, snoring, pre-aging skin on top of all the nice things they could have bought for the money) for a whole day or even week before taking their first drag, they most likely wouldn’t. The same holds true for my vitamin example: If I had had a first-hand experience of vitamin deficiency and its negative effects on my overall state of mind before – preferably in direct contrast to how much faster and more focused I’d work given a proper vitamin intake – I would have taken great pains to make sure my brain gets all the fodder it needs.

Despite our admittedly stunning ability to anticipate the future (i.e. to plan ahead, to go through ideas and actions in our heads before executing them) we are experiential creatures. We like learning by doing. We’re good at learning by doing because using our sensory channels means taking the short way as opposed to the more sophisticated, but long way – abstraction. Don’t get me wrong, abstraction is great, very useful (otherwise evolution would have gotten rid of it long ago or rather nipped it in the bud so to speak), but the foundation has to be experience. No wonder so many students are frustrated and fed up with learning, high schools are strongholds of abstraction. And so are universities. How much more enjoyable would school and work be if they started off with a lesson in state control and made “Discover it for yourself” their prime principle. Who knows, maybe I’ve found my vocation...

It’s true enough to be useful

I wish I had said that, but I’m quoting Igor Ledochowski, the founder of Conversational Hypnosis (or at least one of its most prominent representatives). This was his reply when asked if an assumption he is basing his work on was true. And he’s got a point, doesn’t he? Every theory we come up with for explaining how the world works is by definition a simplification and thereby distortion of reality (not to mention the fact that the question “what is reality?” can’t be answered unambiguously in the first place!). And this especially applies to psychology and any assumption about the human mind and human nature. Freud postulated that we’re steered by two motivational drivers: sex and death.  Now you might reject this idea, but it was very useful in its time and probably still is for a lot of people because it unchains them from emotional and intellectual patterns that have been imposed upon their lives by society, their families and peers and themselves. The fact that there have been found other motives and needs that can better explain behaviour just means that Freud’s theory is not the most useful truth any more.

I’m not talking about ethics here. I firmly believe that there are absolute truths as to how we should treat other living beings (including ourselves). I’m talking about how we see things and how this in turn influences what we say and do. For example if I think “Money makes the world go round” it does. At least subjectively because I will focus on those aspects of my experience that reinforce this conviction. The good old self-fulfilling prophecy. (And we all distort the crap out of reality, otherwise we wouldn’t be able to bear it. Or do you constantly think of starving babies in Africa and animal testing facilities? No? I didn’t think so.) Now what I have to ask myself is: Is it a useful assumption? Does it make me happy, successful, a good decision-maker? Because if not it’s ripe for the garbage heap. Seriously.  

Whenever I moved house in the past, I started with a nice cleaning and tidying session. I would go through all my stuff and decide: This is still useful or valuable – or not. And of course only take the good stuff with me to the new place. I think we should do the same thing with our mental stuff.

One of the major obstacles to changing habits is, well, that they’re habits. They’re like the clothes we wear – you don’t just change your style overnight. So here’s my suggestion: If you make changing your style a habit you get rid of that problem, don’t you? Literally doing that would be too costly, of course. And taking the point too far. But you can try the mental version of it – go through your closet of assumptions about the world, of problem-solving strategies (yelling at the broken computer is one of those garbage candidates) and other simplifying glasses you use regularly and ask yourself for each one: Is it useful? Does it make the world look brighter instead of duller? And then start making this tidying up a habit. How do you do that? It’s easy, just think back to how your nasty habit of xyz began, chewing nails for example. Studying for a test? Getting anxious? Distractedly putting a finger in your mouth just so that you could bite on something real instead of trying to crack open that intellectual nut? And here we go – a habit is formed. Now apply the same formula in order to form the mental closet habit. Too complicated? No problem – good old forcing yourself to do it over and over again will do the trick, too. Promise.

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Toronto Fun Facts Quiz:

1. Within a 160 km radius of Toronto lives _____ of Canada's population.
A. Half
B. One third
C. One quarter

2. On what building can one find a giant neon weather station?
A. Canada Life Building
B. National Trust Tower
C. First Canadian Place

3. How many languages are estimated to be spoken throughout the city?
A. 50+
B. 100+
C. 200+

4. Which one of these movie stars was not born in the city of Toronto?
A. Christopher Plummer
B. Mia Kirshner
C. Jim Carrey

5. The CN Tower held its record of the world's tallest building for 34 years, until the Burj Khalifa and Canton Tower were built. It now remains the tallest free-standing structure in:
A. North America
B. the Americas
C. the Western Hemisphere

6. A serious ____ occurred in 1995. It was the worst day in Toronto history.
A. Subway crash
B. Fire
C. Storm

7. What do Bloor Street, Danforth Avenue and McCowan Road have in common?
A. They are all the same street
B. They run diagonal
C. They all run west-east

8. In 2006, City Hall told which group of people to leave and never come back?
A. Charlie's Angels
B. Guardian Angels
C. Black Angels

9. Which of these cities is not officially part of the Greater Toronto Area, but is still considered by some as "part of Toronto"?
A. Oakville
B. Hamilton
C. Pickering

10. Toronto has had many city-nicknames along the years. How was Toronto never called like?
A. Hogtown
B. the City that Sleeps
C. The Big Smoke